Week 5 — Unconditional

Day 3

Pastor John Hunsberger, M.A., LIMHP

Ephesians 5:21–33

This week’s passage challenges us to consider God’s desire to see love and respect in marriage. Intimacy is risky, but the reward is amazing. In the midst of this risk, the direction for married couples is unconditional.

Marriage is an unconditional covenant promise to love one’s spouse for the long haul. It is giving yourself away and trusting them with your heart. To the world, it looks foolish, but it is God’s design and His message of love to His creation. The only piece we control in this covenant agreement is our faithfulness to our promise. We must submit ourselves to our spouse. We must love, cherish, honor, and serve our spouse regardless of whether it is reciprocated. This is what unconditional means. We also have agency to accomplish this. If we wait for our love to be reciprocated or until our partner deserves our best, we have lost our agency. Instead, we are loving by the world’s standards (Luke 6:33, “And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.”).

These 3 simple principles are what we should focus on in marriage:

1. Assume the best in our spouse – see them as made in God’s image, imperfect, but trying to be sanctified.
2. Prefer our spouse – truly seek to understand them, love them the way they receive love, and outserve them.
3. Prioritize kindness over being right (even when we are right) – learning to love like Christ means we learn to lay down our rights, especially in marriage. Choose right relationship over being right every time.

These simple daily decisions will result in flourishing marriages that last a lifetime. Our marriages will more accurately reflect the mystery of Christ and the Church, and the world will benefit. Our families will be stronger, our communities safer, and our society will grow. That is how God works, He multiplies our faithfulness well outside of ourselves. So do not grow tired in doing good!

REMEMBER: Husbands and Wives are different! One is not “better” or “more important” than the other. Yet God made us uniquely different and complementary. These differences are meant to make us better together, not to divide us or oppress us, but to allow us to be more than we could be alone.

Some Tips for Husbands

Love like Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. Protect and provide for your wife’s physical but especially her emotional needs before your own. Listen to her. Validate her feelings, don’t just try to “fix” her pain. Vulnerably open up to her about your thoughts, feelings, desires – this is intimacy. Christ loves the church by presenting her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Esteem your wife, tell her how much you value her, and honor her publicly. Christ loves the church as His own body. Be loyal to your wife. Give her the reassurance that you are committed to her above all others.

Some Tips for Wives

As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything by showing them respect in all situations. Speak admirably of him in public and to his face. Encourage him, even when it seems he doesn’t need it. Cheer him on. And avoid the idea that we must vie for dominance in our marriage – speak life and value into your marriage.

An Important Clarification

A final note that should be understood. Marriage is sacred. It should not be cast away. Divorce grieves the heart of God and causes deep pain to all involved. I have seen marriages restored to better than they ever were after facing terrible circumstances including infidelity and addiction. However, there is one thing that probably is appropriate in seeking divorce, and that is a hard heart. Someone who continues to hurt you, the family, your home, and states no desire to change (in words or actions) is telling you that they are not committed to their covenant. In these terrible circumstances, God has allowed divorce as an end to suffering. For a more complete understanding, please read Dr. David Instone-Brewer’s book, “Divorce and Remarriage in the Church.” Also, you are not alone in this. Contact your campus pastor or Pastor John for clarity on how to make this decision if needed. We do not support being abused, especially in marriage.

Points to Ponder

• Do you see your act of loving your spouse as worship?
• How can you lean in toward your spouse in this season of life?
• Do you pray for your spouse daily? How could praying for your spouse grow your heart?
• Some great steps: Consider praying together to connect your hearts, joining a life-group together to strengthen your marriage in community, or attending Re-gen ministry to find more healing and wholeness.