Week 4 — Be Kind Before Being Right

Day 4

Pastor John Hunsberger, M.A., LIMHP

Ephesians 5:21–33

Yesterday we learned that controlling our emotions in conflict is an important building block in pursuing oneness. The next step is focusing on how to resolve conflict.

Conflict Resolution

Research suggests that only 7% of interpersonal communication is verbal; 38% of communication is in voice and tone, while 55% of communication is accounted for in body language. Most agree that winning an argument rarely creates a stronger emotional bond. Instead, the relationship is strained or even broken. Winning an argument can ultimately lead to losing in your marriage.

What if the issue is important and there seems to be a clear “right” answer? I would suggest that if you cannot speak the truth in love, it is more important that you develop your character than address the issue with your spouse. Matthew 7:3–5 in the Bible states,

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Relational awareness can be difficult for some people. However, if we assume the best in our spouse and seek to understand and prefer them, they can become an exceptional resource in evaluating how we are coming across! Conflict isn’t wrong or bad, in fact it is healthy and can be productive if we use some helpful guidelines. Guidelines give us a roadmap for communication through a conflict.

Guidelines for Conflict

  1. Set a time for the discussion. Don’t insist on talking at a time when one of you can’t handle this type of strain. Remember the timeout techniques. Good conflict resolution requires two ready participants.
  2. Stick to the present. Don’t dredge up the past mistakes and faults about which you can do nothing.
  3. Stick to the subject. Limit the fight to the subject. Don’t throw every other problem into it; tackle those at a different time.
  4. Don’t hit below the belt. As you do life together, you discover each other’s sensitive areas. Don’t throw those at each other. One deeply hurtful comment can be challenging to recover from.
  5. Try not to quit; work it out. Bring the conflict to a mutual conclusion, even if it seems to be, “For now we agree to disagree, but I feel heard and understood.” Otherwise, it will just recur again and again.
  6. Don’t try to win. EVER. If one wins, the other loses and begins to build resentment about the relationship. That destroys rather than builds the relationship.
  7. Respect emotion. Emotion is a valid response to conflict with our spouse. We care more about what they think about us than anyone else. But don’t let it sidetrack you by taking over. It is a response for men as well as women. If needed, take a timeout.
  8. No violence. Physical violence violates all of the above rules for fighting by mutual consent.

Words to avoid during conflict:

  • “You never.”
  • “I told you so.”
  • “You always.”
  • “I don’t want to discuss it.”
  • “When will you ever learn?”
  • “How many times do I have to tell you?”

Words that are helpful:

  • “I’m sorry.”
  • “I need you.”
  • “Please help me.”
  • “I was wrong when I did that.”
  • “Thank you.”
  • “I love you.”

Here are some examples:

Avoid: You never clean the house well.
Helpful: I am hurt when you do not clean the house well.

Avoid: You never come home on time.
Helpful: I am upset when you come home late.

Remember, conflict in a relationship has the purpose of clearing the air and expressing deep feelings in order to build a more unified life. Keep your goal in mind—the goal of sharing your lives with each other.

Points to Ponder

  • Are there rules for conflict that I regularly break?
  • How do I respond to my partner when they break the rules?