Week 4 — Be Kind Before Being Right
Day 3
Pastor John Hunsberger, M.A., LIMHP
Ephesians 5:21–33
So far this week we’ve explored the powerful vision that God has for marriage: two becoming one. But what about when conflict is threatening that oneness? We tend to think of conflict as harmful, but conflict in a relationship actually clears the air and contributes to a more unified life. How do we engage conflict in a way that moves us toward oneness and not away from each other? Let’s explore that this week.
Did you know that how and when you communicate is more important than what you communicate? This is important when thinking about conflict. It is extraordinarily difficult to be unbiased and remain emotionally present during conflict. Before addressing specific conflict resolution guidelines, it is important to understand how emotion affects our ability to communicate.
What’s Happening During Conflict
Emotion is experienced in the limbic portion of our brain. This part of the sympathetic nervous system, known as the fight-flight response, is faster and stronger than our higher functioning prefrontal-cortex (the part of the brain where we use to make decisions). This means that we naturally become defensive or aggressive when feeling attacked or hurt. Now couple this biological response with a strong emotional response to your spouse and you get impaired judgement during conflict. Learning to calm down is an essential element in conflict resolution. Dr. David Olsen, the developer of the Prepare/Enrich assessment, gives a wonderful explanation of how to practice an effective timeout to ensure healthy conflict resolution.
How to Take a Timeout
- Recognize your need for a time-out. Are your fists clenched? Is your face red? Are you breathing fast? Are the tears streaming down your face? Do you feel like screaming or throwing something? Are you afraid of your partner’s intensity? Do you feel emotionally closed off? What physical and emotional reactions indicate you need a time-out? Learn to recognize the signs that things have become too intense to have a productive interaction with your partner.
- Request the time-out. Call a time-out for yourself by saying something like, “I’m just too angry to talk right now; I need to take a time-out. Please give me an hour to calm down and gather my thoughts.” Remember to call the time-out for yourself. It is seldom helpful to tell the other person “You need a time-out!” Suggest a time when you think you’ll be ready to resume.
- Relax and calm down. Take some deep breaths. Go for a jog or a walk. Take a bath. Write in your journal. Read, pray, or listen to music for a while. Do something that will help you relax and recover from the emotional intensity.
- Remember what’s important. Try to identify what you were thinking and feeling that became so difficult to discuss. Think about one clear and simple message you could tell your partner that describes what you were thinking or how you were feeling. Figure out what you need from him/her during this conversation. Consider your partner’s point of view and what they are feeling. Remember the two of you are a team, and the only way your relationship will “win” is if you work toward a solution that both individuals feel good about.
- Resume the conversation. Bring in the skills of Assertiveness and Active Listening and/or the Ten Steps for Conflict Resolution. These structured skills can help contain the intensity as you attempt to resolve a conflict. Honor your commitment to return to the issue when you are ready to have a more productive conversation, and return with a humble heart.
Olson, David H. (2008). Prepare/Enrich program. Life Innovations.
Points to Ponder
- Am I good at being self-aware and calling for a timeout?
- Am I good at respecting my partner’s call for a timeout?