Week 3 / Day 4: Thoughts from a Marriage Counselor

Pastor John Hunsberger, M.A., LIMHP
Read Ephesians 5:21–33

Prefer Your Spouse

Yesterday we talked about the posture of communication and how we prefer our spouse through the clarity of our speech and by listening well. This next step challenges you to consider the ways you could love that would best communicate love to your spouse.

Step 2: Understand Your Spouse’s Love Language

The second step of preferring your spouse is to love and appreciate them in the way they best interpret love. This idea is made clear in Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The Five Love Languages. The idea behind love languages is that each person experiences or feels loved a certain way. Rarely do married couples feel loved the same way. In order to prefer one’s spouse, one must understand their partner’s “love language” and be willing to learn how to speak it.

We think we are loving well when we offer love the way we desire to be loved. For example, a wife whose love language is giving and receiving gifts, may buy her husband a new shirt or something thoughtful, expecting him to be excited that she thought of him and feel very loved. It is hurtful then, when he responds with, “I didn’t need a shirt and we are on a budget. Why would you do this?” His love language may be words of affirmation. What he needed from her was, “Thank you for working hard for our family. I appreciate you and am so glad you are my husband.” Rather than being hurt, we can become experts in our spouses’ love language.

It is important to know that the nuances of a “love language” will be specific to your partner. If their love language is physical touch, it may not always be sexual touch your partner craves. A simple shoulder squeeze, or sitting close while watching a show together will show deep love for this person. If it is quality time, it may be intentionally interacting with each other or merely being in close proximity that brings comfort (maybe cook dinner together or ride in the car together as you run errands). Small intentional acts of the right love language can go far in a relationship. It is important to learn the specific ways your spouse feels loved, and, with humility, it can also be fun! Preferring our spouse is within our control.

Take time this week to talk to your spouse about how they receive love. What things have you done in the past that have made them feel loved, and what has fallen flat? Take notes and then take action!

Points to Ponder

Do I know my “love language”?

• Giving and Receiving Gifts
• Words of Affirmation
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service

Do I know my spouse’s love language?