Week 3 / Day 3: Thoughts from a Marriage Counselor

Pastor John Hunsberger, M.A., LIMHP
Read Ephesians 5:21–33

Prefer Your Spouse

As we’ve seen so far in days 1 and 2 of this week, the Bible offers wisdom about serving and loving in marriage. This love is lived out by the power of the Holy Spirit and by making intentional, selfless choices. Through everyday life, you can make small decisions to prefer your spouse. This week we’ll be talking about two specific steps you can take to prefer your spouse. Today’s step focuses on your posture for communications: communicating clearly and listening well.

Step 1: A Posture for Communication

Assertiveness

Did you know you can prefer your spouse in the ways you communicate? Many people make two mistakes with what they communicate: they are not being clear and direct with what they mean, and they assume that their partner knows what they are trying to say when the partner actually does not. You can serve your spouse (and avoid these mistakes) by learning to be assertive.

Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the relationship. Rather than assuming your partner can read your mind, share how you feel and ask clearly and directly for what you want to see in your marriage.

While it is proper and important to communicate your expectations, needs, and desires, it is not within your power to ensure your partner meets them. Instead of keeping score on how well your spouse loves you, you can proactively and recklessly pursue loving them!

Active Listening

Second, along with the clarity of what you want, you also control whether or not you are listening to your partner. Many people want their partner to understand where they are coming from, or how they have been misunderstood rather than hearing out their partner’s perspective or frustration.

Often, when a misunderstanding happens, we are quick to point out how our partner missed what we were trying to say. We spend our energy arguing about what we intended, and they spend their energy arguing about what was said. It can be exhausting! Rather than getting caught in this trap, we can prefer our spouse by discerning what they heard us say, whether or not it was what we intended to communicate. Seeking to understand is within our control. Trying to get them to see where they misunderstood us is not in our control.

Active listening is a great technique for couples to practice for healthy communication. Active listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their message. Good communication depends on you listening carefully to your partner. Active listening involves listening attentively without interruption and then restating what was heard. Acknowledge content AND the feelings of the speaker.

For example:

• I heard you say you are feeling out of balance, and enjoy the time we spend together, but that you also need more time to be with your friends. You want to plan a time to talk about this.
• If I understand what you said, you are concerned because you want to go skiing next winter. But you think I would rather go to the beach. Is that correct?

Points to Ponder

• Do I try to understand my spouse or do I push them to understand what I was trying to say when we have a disagreement?
• Do I treat my spouse the way I perceive they have treated me, or do I try to be kind, loving, and affectionate as I would like them to be towards me?