Marriage Practices

Pastor John Hunsberger

Boundaries in Marriage

Now that we’ve established some of the basics of biblical marriage, a helpful next step is to consider boundaries. While our beliefs about the marriage covenant shape our framework and goals, our boundaries help us articulate what we actually control.

What do we mean by boundaries?

A pop-psychology understanding of boundaries mostly communicates, “If you do something to me or around me that I am uncomfortable with, I will cut you out of my life.” This is neither accurate nor even always appropriate. A better understanding of boundaries answers the question, “What can I or should I control?” We can and should control our values, beliefs, behavior, and emotions. Without manipulation or abuse, we cannot nor should not control other’s values, beliefs, behaviors, or emotions. This includes our spouse! Sometimes, a spouse wants their partner to change, sometimes they want their partner to help them themselves. While this is not necessarily unreasonable, expecting change can be very unhealthy if the couple is not agreed and partnering in these endeavors.

As a rule, I begin counseling sessions helping couples set the expectation that their marriage can look different if they are the only ones that change. This change begins by submitting our desires and expectations to Jesus. And the great news is, if both partners do this, the marriage tends to beautifully represent the unconditional love of Christ for the Church.

What are reasonable boundaries and realistic consequences?

However, what happens when one partner asks for a reasonable change that never happens? Boundaries must have consequences. In other words, “I need to see this change or …” Too often, couples do not understand a reasonable “or…” and find themselves doing nothing, or overly correcting and demanding divorce. There are often much more appropriate consequences even for serious behavior.

Let’s start with an example of one spouse setting a boundary regarding their spouse’s anger. A clear boundary statement would be, “I am having a very difficult time with your anger. If you can’t calm down and not yell at me or the kids, I am going to ask you to leave.” If the partner refuses to leave, an appropriate consequence might be, “I am going to take the kids and stay somewhere else for the night.” Consequences should not be overly burdensome for either of you. Therefore, reasonable timelines and realistic actions must be considered. Less extreme examples of setting boundaries could look like this:

• “I really do not appreciate your smoking or dipping habits. I will not kiss you when you are doing that.”
• “I have asked you to be transparent about this, if you can’t be proactive in communicating with me, I will not be able to trust you.”
• “I have asked you to stop _______ but I continue to catch you doing it. I need you to give me access to your [phone password, accounts information, etc.]. If you do not, I will need to tell a friend, pastor, or counselor so I do not have to carry this burden alone.”

One of the assumptions we discussed yesterday is that all marriages are affected by sin. Boundaries are not an easy fix or magic solution, but they are a tool we can use to communicate how a spouse’s choices are impacting us and ask for specific change. Thankfully, scripture offers us a vast storehouse of wisdom for helping us navigate marriage. In the following weeks we will see how best practices in counseling actually align with God’s Word!

Points to Ponder

• What are some things you try to control in your spouse?
• Are there areas in your marriage that you have not submitted to Jesus?
• Have you considered boundaries? What is your “or else?” Is it reasonable? Is it overly burdensome on you? Can you follow through with it?

*Please remember we have wonderful marriage mentors at each campus, and a full-time, licensed marriage pastor who would love to help you.